Let Go
by Lammy Leonhart
Summary: A 2part songfic based on the song 'Angel' by Sarah Maclachan. Revolving around the lives of Seifer and Quistis after the Sorceress War, we look into the inner thoughts of the characters. Warning: Sad and depressing.
1. Touched By An Angel

**Lammy Leonhart**: This is my first songfic, and it's based on the song, 'Angel' by Sarah Maclachan. This fic is authored by me, and co-authored by my friend, iluvmarauders who is a great great great fan of Seifer Almasy (she's crazy about him…^_^) This fic consists of two parts, and the next part will be up soon as soon as my friend _finishes it. _(this part of the fic took about 3 weeks ^_^). So, bear with us. And the usual drill, read and review! 

**iluvmarauders**' part of A/N: If you're a huge fan of Squall, I'm sorry about all those insults, don't take them to heart, ya? Seifer is Seifer and he'd never like Squall...so there you go. Just trying to get Seifer's character right. And by the way, as my dear friend has not cared to elaborate more on the content of this fic...this songfic is mostly centered around failure, loss etc. and change. 

Set just after the Ultimecia War...Seifer is a lost person and he's still trying to pick himself up after his dreams are shattered and he loses the girl he loves. And he hates Squall for taking Rinoa away from him, and he wonders if he would ever be able to forget her. 

**_Part 1: Touched By An Angel_**

It was a sunny day in the quiet town of Balamb, perfect for fishing. Wisps of cotton-white clouds drifted slowly above him and a light cool breeze blew from the sea, ruffling his blond hair slightly. His trusty Hyperion lay by his side, the metal blade glinting in the afternoon sun, and a few bullets in the barrel. The years of usage and battles with its master had worn its handle until it was a bit rusty and full of scratches, but nevertheless, the 3-foot-long Gunblade was still reliable and deadly. It was probably the only true companion he had.

_ Spend all your time waiting  
For that second chance  
For a break that would made it okay _

He sat down at the edge of the wooden boards that was the jetty, and let his legs dangle a few inches above the calm water. Then, he threw the line of his fishing rod into the air and watched it soar in a graceful arch before it dipped into the water, rippling the used-to-be silent and unmoving surface with a light splash. He wondered where his two buddies, Fujin and Raijin, had gone. They had suggested grabbing a quick lunch, but they had not returned yet. He sighed and waited as patiently as he could for some fish to come and bite his bait when he heard a familiar laugh behind him. He turned his head and he saw her.

_ There's always some reason  
To feel not good enough  
And it's hard at the end of the day _

He saw the raven-haired sorceress with her knight, the so-called Lion of Balamb. Or, in Seifer's language, Rinoa and Puberty Boy. They were walking towards the docks, and he could see her talking animatedly to Squall. They ceased walking for a few moments as they gazed at the deep blue sea that stretched infinitely before them. She tilted slightly in her characteristic way and smiled gently at her companion. Seifer felt a stab at his heart. The smile used to be directed at _him_, not Squall Leonhart.

"What in Hyne's name are they doing here?" thought Seifer. He wished with all his sinking heart that they would not see him then, wasting his life after losing his place as a SeeD in Balamb Garden. His wish came true when he saw them turn away from the docks, still chatting. He breathed a sigh of relief. And he wondered why he had made that wish but it comforted him to think that he would not have to face them and answer to his 'crimes'. That he would not have to flash his usual smirk at them as they questioned him repeatedly about what he had done to them. And to her.

_I need some distraction  
Oh beautiful release  
Memory seep through my veins_

"Rinoa…" How he missed her so terribly, and yet he was too ashamed to face her, after he had deliberately pushed her to the waiting hands of Adel, and left her to suffer. He was forced to, at that time. He had wanted to get out from that mess, the mess of Ultimecia-and-world-conquest-crap, and had made Rinoa his scapegoat. He knew that she would not forgive him for it, not in a million years. Nor would Puberty Boy.

He stared out at the horizon beyond his reach and felt a wave of despair wash over him. He had never admitted to anyone that he had been lonely. He had never known that himself. But now, he felt a sense of bleak friendlessness, and Fujin and Raijin only seemed like part of the crowd of gray shadows of people he had known all his life. Strangers.

He felt his eyes glaze over.

_ Let me be empty  
Oh oh weightless and maybe  
I'll find some peace tonight_

If only he had listened. Listened to his conscience and not serve the Sorceress. If only he had ignored her and all her promises. She had only used him to do her dirty work. In believing that his dreams would come true, he had destroyed his present self, and now his future. If only he had listened to that small voice at the back of his mind, and just gave up his dreams from the moment he sensed that something had gone awry. No, if only he had never met the Sorceress in the first place.

The sun's rays settled upon him, but he only felt the heat like a faraway needle pricking his arm. He was drowning in his emotions that were furiously and mercilessly sweeping him away, pulling him under the surface beyond help's reach and into the vortex of endless remorse. Anger, guilt, misery… He choked back a tear hurriedly before it could escape his eye. Regret…

How he wished he had someone with him now, who could see right through his macho-man act, and comfort him. He wondered vaguely how long it had been since he had last been comforted. He wished that he had someone who would stand out in the middle of all the obscure shadows that was his black and white world.

He stared down at the unbroken surface of the water beneath him and he saw an image of a young man with pale blond hair cut short, and intent yet mocking emerald eyes. A square jaw and a determined set of lips met a neck leading to the collar of his customary white-gray trench coat. He fumed at the reflection. The face that glared back at him was exactly the same as the one before all the turmoil. Yet, when he looked closer, he noticed that the eyes had lost its usual glint and his face was no longer set in a scornful expression.

Just then, the wind decided to play rough and a cold draft blew from the sea and over him. The sudden iciness did not seem to add much to the bitterness he was already feeling. Like an echo far away, he heard a bird chirp in indignation, and a flickering of tiny wings beating hastily against the breeze. He did not bother lifting his gaze.

Then, he felt something soft and cool brush his cheek and flutter to the water, breaking the tranquility of the surface with growing ripples, and distorting his reflection. He blinked a few times without looking away, and his stomach turned at the incongruity. It was a lone, delicate white feather.

_ In the arms of an angel  
Fly away from here  
From this dark, cold hotel room  
And the endlessness that you fear_

If only he had treated her better when he had met her in Timber a few years back, before he had served as the Sorceress's Knight. They had met that summer in the Timber train station, when she had come up to him and asked him whether he was from Balamb Garden. He had nodded, and she had smiled appreciatively at him. A small smile that had brightened his day considerably, he recalled. She had asked him to help her to request help from Headmaster Cid to send a team of professional SeeDs to aid her and the Timber Owls in rebelling against President Vinzer Deling and bringing independence to Timber.

He had gone back to Garden, conveyed to Headmaster Cid her request, and the latter had agreed. But instead of sending him to help her out, he had sent Puberty Boy, Chicken-wuss and Messenger Girl, and had locked him up in Garden with Instructor Quistis Trepe.

Unable to stand the thought of seeing his beloved Rinoa injured, he had broken out from the detention class in school and had gone all the way to Timber. Upon seeing President Deling in the TV station, he had crashed the place and taken the dictator as hostage. And that was where the Sorceress had stepped in and offered him his dream, the dream of becoming a sorceress's knight. He groaned as he thought of how he had foolishly taken the bait she had laid out especially for him. It had ruined his life and reduced it to what it was now. How he hated it, the feeling of being used and fooled…and how he had flinched whenever he heard people whisper to one another behind his back, 'there...that guy…he was Ultimecia's knight, lapdog, servant, etc….', thinking that he was unable to hear them. That had deeply angered him and he had to clench his fists until they turned white to resist the insatiable urge to swipe his Hyperion at the idiots who bad-mouthed him.

He had tried all his life to think himself superior to others. And he probably was. He might have been the strongest fighter in Balamb, the most expert wielder of the Gunblade. Yet, he had always lived in the shadow of a certain Squall Leonhart. He could not see why many favoured him. To Seifer, he was only a stony-faced SeeD who just _happened_ to be able to fight well…not to mention defeat him many times…but that was just luck, thought Seifer.

Even Headmaster Cid had chosen Puberty Boy over him to help Rinoa, when it was obvious that _he_ would have been the better choice. After all, what did Squall care about the burdens of others? And then, Rinoa had chosen Squall over him. He could not blame her after all that he had done to her…but he felt it unfair that everyone was so busy hating him that they had never given him a chance to prove himself worthy of their praise and thoughts. And now, it was too late.

He tried half-heartedly to crack his usual grin as he rested his eyes on the feather. His cheek muscles refused to budge, no doubt through lack of practice. He suddenly ached for someone to speak to him. He scowled at the feather as if he was angry that it did not suddenly grow lips and a tongue and said something to him.

"Squ-all…" A clear mocking voice shattered the stillness and shifted the mist that blanketed him.

_You are pulled from the wreckage  
Of your silent reverie  
You're in the arms of the angel  
May you find some comfort here_

He glanced back at the graceful girl he loved, and braced himself for the searing pain across his soul. Her smooth black hair that cascaded to her delicate shoulders was playing in the wind. In all the giddiness and blurriness that enveloped him, he felt a hazy urge to tug at the elegant locks the same teasing way he used to. His angle of gaze dropped and he noticed her quick and nimble fingers resting lightly on Squall's arm.

She laughed again, the sound ringing clearly in Seifer's ears and somehow managing to poke a hole through the fog around him, and for the first time after so long, he saw a tint of daylight. A ghost of a smile fluttered across his lips before a nauseating sensation swept over him, when he saw her lay her head on Squall's shoulder.

He ran his hand through his tussled hair, and gazed down at his reflection once again. The feather floated innocently on the sheet of water, and drifted slowly away with the tide, taking torn bits of pieces of his heart with it.

He knew that she was gone from his life forever, but was he willing to let go? To try and forget her charming smile and laughter? To loosen his grip and plummet to the hard rock below?

"If you're happy with him…I'll let you go," he murmured as he watched the couple leave the docks, her retreating back bearing the angel wing motif. His eyes grazed over it. It had been a long time since he had been with her, and he hardly recalled that there was even a motif on her back.

He managed to summon a bittersweet smile. For he remembered the tiny stream of daylight that trickled from the miniscule hole she had drilled in the brick wall in front of him…and he knew that even if she was galaxies away from him, she would always be the one to save him, the bed of roses down there to break his fall, and the light on his path to guide him wherever he would go.

*****  
_Hush, love,  
I see a light in the sky,  
Oh it's almost blinding me,  
I can't believe I've been touched by an angel..._

_~Celine Dion: A new day has come~_

A/N: Forgive the 'new day has come' part at the end...I just thought that the words pretty much fit the story...Quistis part coming up...but if only you review!!!! 


	2. Sweet Madness, Glorious Sadness

****

Lammy Leonhart: Greetings fellow readers and Seiftis lovers out there! iluvmarauders has _finally_ submitted in the 2nd part of the fic. Well, this time, we look into Quistis' thoughts, and it is full of angst…she's angry, enraged, and upset…I know that feeling.

But forget about _my_ thoughts. Go on and read and I'll really appreciate it if you review. 

****

iluvmarauders: hahah...i've finally done the 2nd part! Once again, forgive me if Quistis is OOC...sometimes, we have sudden _spurts_ of uncontrollable anger...and she just happens to experience one of these spasms in this fic...she doesn't really hate Rinoa, she was just feeling depressed like any other person...so no hard feelings, kay? By the way, I guess she doesn't really _love_ Squall...I purposely avoided deep elaboration on that subject. She's just got a sort of crush on him and she cares a lot for him, but we all wonder... And take the ending anyway you wish... (potential Seiftis maybe? Anything you want...) 

Quistis remembers all that she has done for Squall, and she realizes that all those efforts have been in vain. She has failed what she has set out to do for such a long time...bring life back into Squall. She wonders if she will ever be able to stop reflecting on that failure. 

**__**

Part 2: Sweet Madness, Glorious Sadness

"Your latte, miss," said the waiter as he presented the drink to her. 

"Thank you," she answered and took a sip of the hot beverage. She was seated in a café that was built near the sea, and it was quite famous for its wide range of high-class coffee that could rival Esthar's high quality ones. The cool comforting breeze tickled the blonde curls that framed her face as she gazed out at the blue ocean. It calmed her and soothed her nerves. 

The afternoon sun shone down brightly on the blue-green sea, highlighting the tiny waves that rolled peacefully onto the sandy beach with slight touches of foam here and there. She flicked a few stray hairs calmly from her face, and a relaxed smile crossed her normally composed features as she slumped back in her comfortable chair, the glistening ocean reflected on her glasses. 

  
_You're so tired of the straight line   
_

And everywhere you turn   


There's vultures and thieves at your back 

"Oh…life…" she murmured under her breath. After the Ultimecia War, nothing much was going on at Balamb Garden, and Headmaster Cid had given all instructors, SeeDs, and students a weeklong holiday. She had accepted it with gratitude, thinking things would finally settle down, but now it seemed that she could not wait to get back to Garden to resume her classes. 

She could not stand doing nothing for so long. She had always been on the go and on top of things, and she did not see why anything had to be any different. Perhaps that was what made her unlike the other residents of Balamb Garden. That her tenacious personality had driven her to pursuing SeeDship at a tender age of fifteen and a career as an instructor when others were just learning how to handle their weapons properly. 

She ran her fingers over the whip at her waist. Talent? She had seen and acknowledged talent when appropriate, but she had never wondered if she had any. But it did not really matter. As long as she was where she had aimed to be since she was a child, she was happy. 

__

Her romantic dream, she thought with a twisted smile as her mind recalled the image of the taunting and proud face of Seifer Almasy when he became the Sorceress's Knight. She wondered briefly where he was now, and if he had given up dreaming yet. She sighed. Life was certainly quieter without him around, and she was pretty sure that no one missed him at Garden, save perhaps Fujin and Raijin? 

The storm keeps on twisting   


You keep on building the lies   


That you make up for all that you lack 

Just then, she spotted somebody familiar. Or two familiar people. Dark brown hair glinting in the sunlight and a black suit, a Gunblade swaying at his side…lovely black locks attached to an equally lovely face and a feminine coat of a shade of baby blue. Squall and Rinoa…the couple who had defeated Ultimecia and brought peace to the two continents of the world with the other members of SeeD, including her. But people tended to forget the other SeeDs. 

Squall and Rinoa, heroes of Balamb, and she did not need to wonder why people hailed them and thought higher of them than the rest. The most handsome young man and the most beautiful young lady in town, a perfect match…people tended to notice these details above all. She agreed with them but sometimes, it hurt her to see everybody waving and smiling at them, while she just slinked by, an unknown person. 

She glanced down at the couple, her sharp eyes picking up Squall's angular face and the trademark scar across his face, marring his handsome features just a little. His brooding eyes revealed nothing as he looked at Rinoa who was busy talking about…something, but she could see that his usual hard expression had softened, just like his heart. Quistis felt drained all of a sudden. After all that she had tried to do to make him happier, it had to be Rinoa who was destined to make him smile in the end. After all she had done to make him care just a little, it was Rinoa who managed to get him to believe that he was not alone in the world. All her efforts were wasted on him. 

Her heart pounded with suppressed rage at the animated girl and the mischievous twinkle in her eyes. She felt her eyes water in anger and disappointment. She brought her hand up to her eyes and brushed away the threatening tear. Her steel blue eyes shot daggers at the happy couple below. Life was so unfair. After all she had gone through, that was her fate, to sit and sulk, whereas happy rich Rinoa who knew no suffering before the world quaked under Ultimecia's threat was the one with the beauty and ever-attractive smile, the one who could capture Squall's attention and win however much of a heart he had left. 

"Quistis!" Her conscience screamed at her from the back of her mind, but with all the fury enveloping her, she hardly heard the desperate call. She knew that she was not normally like that, but all the emotions she had been holding back for so long were suddenly threatening to flow all at once and she could not hold back the tide. The ferocious anger pounded on the wall she had built a long time ago to block it out. 

She swallowed and tried to regain her composure. She licked her dry lips and crossed her arms in front of her, her eyes turning to the floor. She inhaled deeply, and mentally tried to push back the wave of fury that opposed her. What was she thinking? Rinoa was a caring and sympathetic person, and a very good friend. How could she be angry with her? Just because she was _jealous_? 

A chill crept up her spine. She was _jealous_. Jealous of Rinoa's ability to stop time with just a half-smile and gentle wave of her hand. Jealous that where she had failed, Rinoa had succeeded in winning both Squall's _and_ Seifer's hearts, the two most frustrating people she had ever met, and never understood. 

She snorted softly. 

"Talent?" her heart whispered sarcastically, the sheer tone twisting her guts, echoing in her mind. "What talent?" 

__

It don't make no difference   


Escaping one last time   


It's easier to believe 

Squall…he was her favourite student, aside from Seifer, although they were…problematic. However, they were her best students in all of Garden. They were the prized fighters of Garden who made the school proud. They were also the hottest of all rivals, and that ultimate animosity had led to the fateful battle that left them each with a scar, both identical although slanted in different directions, that they would carry with them as a mark of their rivalry for the rest of their lives. 

And how she had blamed herself for not being there at that time to stop them, and how Cid had reprimanded her for not taking care of her students properly. But she knew deep down, he cared for all of them, and had decided to pardon the three of them on the condition it would not happen again. But there is always a punishment for every crime done; she was stripped off her post as an Instructor, reducing her rank to that of a normal SeeD. How she had detested the day. 

"That's it, the end," she had thought to herself then. She had not known the real feeling of defeat, the real bottom of the pit. Now, she knew. Amidst all the happiness and peace, she had hit rock bottom…she had failed. As an instructor and a friend. She had failed to steer Seifer back to the right path before he was gone forever. And she had failed to make Squall understand the problems and feelings of others, and make him feel loved. 

__

At least Rinoa managed to complete the task I have started and left unmanned, she thought. At least Squall was safe now, no thanks to her, Quistis Trepe, of course. She was supposed to feel happy for him, but all the disappointment and depression crushed her and shaded her from daylight. In all the darkness and suffocation, she saw no reason to feel happy, although a small voice in the emptiness of her mind insisted timidly that she feel happy. 

And there was Seifer. He could have been great, a figure to be looked up to, if only she had cared to help him. But she was so blinded by the impossible task to open up Squall's heart, that she hardly noticed him, flailing in the middle of all the roaring waves, threatening to drown. She had failed to hear his silent pleas for help; she had failed to be there for him when he needed someone to guide him. She had failed to realise that beneath all the arrogance and foolishness, there were open wounds and pain. 

__

In this sweet madness   


Oh this glorious sadness   


That brings me to my knees 

Behind every successful man, there is always a woman. Quistis glanced once again at the Balamb's perfect couple and realised the impact of those words. If she had thought that the saying was ridiculous, she did not think so now. Squall and Rinoa had strolled slowly, taking in the ocean, and had paused for a few moments as they chatted. She just wished that she were the woman behind Squall. 

Up ahead, she saw a familiar figure on the docks, fishing, but she could not place that particular person. Then, the couple resumed their leisurely walk from the docks and past the café, on their way back to the town of Balamb. 

Her lips moved upward a few millimeters as she watched them. She was quite a romantic, and she had fantasized many times as a child of meeting her Prince Charming one day who would sweep her off her feet and they would ride on the back of his noble steed into the sunset, just like in fairy-tales. 

A hollow laugh escaped her dry throat. Squall, the Prince Charming…strong and silent? Another wild giggle flew out from her lips. And then, for absolutely no reason, she started laughing, forcing every breath out with utmost viciousness. 

They never said in fairy-tales that some random girl could come and steal Prince Charming from you. 

In the arms of an angel   


Fly away from here   


From this dark, cold, hotel room   


And the endlessness that you fear 

Just then, she felt something slide down her cheek. She was crying. For the first time after so long, _years_ even, tears were actually coming out from her eyes. Crying over Squall of all reasons. It was beyond logic. She stared at the floor in disbelief, tears drying up on her face, making it stiff and stretched. 

Yes, she felt enraged that Rinoa had just flown in out of the blue and snatched Squall away from her. But then, she never had Squall in the first place. Prince Charming had never loved her, not yesterday, not ever. 

She took out a tissue and dried her eyes, telling herself not to cry anymore over Squall. It was not a loss. There was nothing to cry over. You cannot lose what you never had. 

She had dreamed of Squall smiling at her, his eyes with a certain light. She had dreamed of him telling her about his troubles and his burden. She had dreamed of the day when Squall would finally notice that she had been there for him for so long, and that he would thank her profusely for supporting him. 

A wave of hysterical laughter swept over her. She pursed her lips firmly, refusing to emit a sound. Why laugh or cry? There was no difference, no change. Quistis had always been just Quistis to Squall. Just another irritating person who tried to pry into his privacy. Just another person who thought she could drag him out from his shell. 

And she had tried. She had tried to coax some emotion out of the stone lion, and over the years, from the time they were in the orphanage until now, she could not. Rinoa, whom he barely knew before the mission in Timber, had done it. Squall was now more vulnerable to feelings and…happier. The last time she had seen him smile was when he was in the Orphanage with Sis, and after Sis was gone, he had turned moody and gloomy and finally shut himself up and away from people. 

That was until Rinoa had come along and melted the brick wall he had built around him for the past few years that she, Quistis Trepe had been trying to break using all her strength for as long as she could remember but could not. Pointless really. But she had never given up. Stupid. 

Rinoa was the one who could bring the warmth of happiness to him, and ever since then, Squall had started to smile and he had even laughed. She had not seen Squall laugh so whole-heartedly for the past few years, and now…Her mind started to grow hazy and heavy, a weight on her shoulders. She prepared to fight the tears that she predicted would come. Actually, she did not have to. She was drained off all emotion, her face a perfect portrait of stoniness. All she felt deep down was emptiness and defeat. 

__

You are pulled from the wreckage   


Of your silent reverie   


You're in the arms of the angel   


May you find some comfort here 

"If you're happy with her…I'll let you go," Quistis muttered to herself as she watched the couple stride away from her and disappear around the corner. She sat there for a few minutes; basking in the blankness her mind was experiencing. 

She stood up, cringing as her knees popped. She paid for her cup of coffee, and smiled half-heartedly at the helpful waiter. She walked slowly out of the café, careful not to betray any emotion or any hint that she had buckled under her overwhelming feelings just minutes ago. 

She blinked as the sun met her outside. She immediately felt the heat on her back. It annoyed her, and she walked hurriedly down the street, heading for Garden to take an afternoon nap perhaps. She turned her face to the ground, and kicked at loose pebbles. She remembered how she used to try to throw pebbles into the sea at the docks, hoping to make them bounce on the surface. Futile efforts, just like everything she had tried with Squall. 

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a flicker of movement followed by a soft whooshing sound and a tiny clang. She whirled around, her eyes searching for the offender. Her gaze met striking green eyes staring straight at her. She jumped. Her eyes traveled over his blond hair and gaunt face, disfigured by a certain scar. Still the same, yet different…somehow. 

She stared back at him, her steel blue eyes locking with his emerald ones. And she saw the traces of pain and loss littered all over his features, the saddened expression that made him look so much older, and the misery in the eyes that had seen a tear or two. 

His gaze remained, as did hers. And for the first time, the instructor understood her student perfectly. 

She did not know how long they just stood there, sharing their hurt in the silence, comforting each other somehow, or when she turned away and walked off as he strode away in the opposite direction. 

But she knew she was not alone in the face of defeat and for many nights to come when she cried away the wee hours of dawn, she knew somewhere there was someone who was crying with her. 

You're in the arms of an angel   


May you find some comfort here

Seifer watched his ex-instructor turn her back and shuffle down the road. His eyes bore into the golden back of her head, just watching. The head grew smaller and smaller, and finally disappeared around the corner.

He turned around. He gazed at the faraway horizon where the giant body of water of the azure sea met the light blue shade of the never-ending sky. The sun smiled down upon him.

He smiled back.

*****  
_Let the rain come down and wash away my tears,  
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears,  
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun,  
A new day has come...  
  
~Celine Dion: A new day has come~_


End file.
